tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central June 29, 2011 11:00pm-11:30pm PDT
>> june 29, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. oh, we got a big one tonight. our guest tonight, mr. tom hanks. he is man so likable, so polite that his name actually contains the word "thanks." [laughter] it's right in it.
we begin tonight with the economy, which, as many of you are aware, sucks. [laughter] right now we're looking to pay down $14.3 trillion of debt. [audience reacts] [laughter] apparently i'm reading a scary story to my children. they're going to do all the noises like it's "peter and the [bleeped] wolf or something." we're going to pay down $14. trillion of debt with a economy struggling to produce jobs, in large part because american workers still stubbornly cling to the idea that they should be more highly compensated than say suicidal chinese computer part factory help. [laughter] if it's good enough of these despondent people, well, not to worry, people. >> i just want to say a few words about the economy before i
take your questions. >> jon: economy press conference. hooray! [cheering and applause] so what do we do, boss? >> the struggles of middle-class families were a big problem before the recession hit in 2007. they weren't created overnight, and the truth is our economic challenges are not going to be solved overnight. >> jon: but by monday... [laughter] monday? you got a plan? >> one of the most important and urgent things we can do for the economy is something that both parties are working on right now, and that's reducing our nation's deficit. >> jon: phew. well, thank god we know what to do, and that's not going to be too hard, right? >> we're going to have to tackle spending in the tax code to make
it easier for entrepreneurs to patent a new product, rebuilding our transportation structure, eliminate waste, tackle entitlement, extend those middle-class tax cuts, help businesses create jobs. we got to seize this moment, and we have to seize it soon. [laughter] >> jon: what? of course, the first thing before we get to any of that stuff... [laughter and applause] that's why we get paid the cable money. [laughter] the first thing we do before we get to any of that good fixing the economy stuff, democrats say we have to raise america's $14.3 trillion debt ceiling before august 2nd, because if we don't do that, uh, wait, what happens again? >> armageddon. >> armageddon. >> arm getten.
[laughter] >> jon: no, that wasn't it. no, no, no, that's right, you're right, total collapse of our economic system. but that's just the prerequisite to enacting any of those other solutions the president was talking about. i'm sorry, republicans, you wanted to say something about this. >> if all we do is extend the debt limit and do not start dealing with the fundamental fact that the american government spends money it doesn't have. >> jon: yes, no, no, no, i understand. are there other things that... >> tax increases are off the table. >> jon: oh. well, you know there's only two ways to reduce the deficit. you can cut spending or raise taxes. you take one of those off the table completely, you're not really negotiating. it's like saying, "i would do anything for love, but i won't do that." you really wouldn't then do anything for love. so i questions what i'm saying is meatloaf's premise is faulty is what i'm saying. [laughter] what are the democrats counter-offering? >> it almost makes you wonder if they aren't trying to slow down the economic recovery for
political gain. >> jon: oh, for god's sake. all right. what do we have, until august 2nd before we hit armageddon. is there anything you agree on? >> they're not dealing in reality >> my republican friends seem to be living in a fantasy world. >> jon: oh, all right. just out of curiosity, harry reid, if they're living in a fantly world, would you still exist? [laughter] well, one thing is clear, one way or another armageddon, here we come. each party says the other is leading us to armageddon. is either of them being slightly hyperbolic? for more we go to the future with samantha bee iv and aasif mandvi, jr.,, jr.,, jr., in washington, d.c. hello, guys. >> hello, jon. >> gleep gloop glop.
>> jon: oh, my gosh, is english no longer in use? >> of course it is. i'm just [bleeped] with you. >> jon: you're in the future where republicans did not raise the debt ceiling. are we in trouble in >> not really. republicans got everything they wanted. america declared bankruptcy and in receivership restructured our government and we got this capitalist you open thea. [laughter] >> jon: is this air breathable? >> it stings a little, but the free market will correct it. you know, eventually, for sure. >> jon: assif, tell me about the future that you're living in. >> well, here the democrats successfully raised the debt ceiling and increased taxes without cushing social programs. >> jon: i got the tell you, i got to tell you, seeing that, a little bit of a relief. it really does look great. >> oh, what this background?
>> jon: yeah. >> this is a government-issued simu-screen made available through the enhancement act of 2033. usually it doesn't work that well. that's it. there it is. [laughter and applause] >> jon: assif, that's exactly the same environment that's in sam's future. >> no, no, sam is facing cancerous pollutants. this is a radiation cloud. [laughter] >> jon: what happened? >> well, we raised the debt ceiling, borrowed more than we could repay, and when china demanded their money back, there was a repo situation. long story short, we nuked them, they nuked us and have since been at war with their new army of radioactive pandas. [laughter] but it's a small price to pay to live in this beautiful, socialist paradise. >> jon: so neither republicans nor democrats were in any way exaggerating the consequences of each other's policies. >> no, no, in fact,
underselling, or as our glorious chairman bobo would say [making chimp noises] all hail bobo. >> oh, please, savages. thank god the laissez faire policies of our dear president field marshal bobo have protected us as he so eloquently stated in his state of the [making chimp noises] >> jon: i think that last parted was a feces throw for emphasis. >> very expressive. >> jon: no matter which party gains tupper hand in 2011, it leads to a dystopia in america governed by apes. >> both: yes. >> jon: no third option might lead to that not happening? >> both: no. [cheering and applause]
>> jon: welcome back. made... made... made in america used to mean something. mostly that we had jobs. [laughter] here in america. but with so many of these jobs going overseas, america has but one choice. jason jones has more. >> for years america faced a great threat. >> socialism is coming our way. >> we want to go to iraq. >> do we really want to change america into sweden? >> but when sweden opened up an
ikea factory in virginia, socialism became the least of our worries. >> when they first showed up in danville, virginia, we thought, this is ikea, this is the best of the best, but workers are disrespected. they're abused. they don't get correct training. they don't have enough money to make ends meet. they're not paid enough. they're treating these workers as if it's a third-world country. >> to find out more, i met swedish business expert lars bargains. welcome. >> thank you. >> in a room filled with the comforts of his homeland. have a seat, please. >> oh. >> i think there is a misunderstanding about sweden which we have to correct. we for a long time have been capitalists and very good at it, but it's true that we also learned from the masters. now you're working for us, which is the way it turns around. >> god, look at you, so smug.
>> you think i'm smug. >> a little bit. >> little bit, yeah. >> we used to be that smug. how do we get to be that smug again? >> i think that's the $1 million question. >> sweden was everything we used to be. [dancing queen playing] dominant, arrogant and so much more beautiful. but if sweden was us, who were we? >> we have, in fact, become sweden's mexico. >> really? >> absolutely. >> but if we want to work, we got to be somebody's mexico. >> if you're suggesting that the choice in america is to work for dangerous work, disrespectful work, degrading work at minimum wage. >> that's right. >> then my statement to you, sir, is that is unamerican. >> exactly. it's mexican. >> have you been to a mexican factory? >> yes. >> they have brutal work conditions, long hours, low pay.
[inaudible] the water supply comes from the effluent from the factory. >> nothing wrong with that. >> which one were you at? >> the one in my head. and the problem is our american-run american factories like this one can't compete with our swedish-run mexican factories. these guys seem like complete wastes. the customers should be assembling it themselves. >> we haven't figured out how to do that. >> it's called an allen wrench. >> well, there's your first problem. it's comfortable. >> they coddled their employee at every turn. >> when does this guy get his bathroom break? >> bathroom break? >> yeah. >> whenever he has to go to the bathroom. >> oh, well, that's just stupid. >> well, i guess we just...
>> if factories like this hope to survive, they'll have to modernize. >> it's classic. you'll have it for a lifetime. it's great style. i think the antique finish... >> whoa, whoa, $1,700, no thank you. ikea gives me that for $19.99 plus they'll throw in an ektorp. >> what? >> you're not going to throw an ektorp with it? >> no. >> what about a stronus? >> no. >> meltrop? >> no. >> ding dong? >> no. what? >> what union advocates don't get is if it's not sweden, it will be someone else. >> until we get recognize by the federal government as the union for danville, they're going to continue to struggle. >> if you unionize, ikea can ship down to south carolina, and those people work for pork rinds and horse vaginas. >> horse have a eye -- vaginas.
you didn't get a miller lite? no. what's the difference? miller lite has more taste. i don't care. i just got one of these. well that's the second unmanly thing you've done today. what was the first? ahhhhh! get me off this thing right now! get me off this thing! get me off this thing! yeah, i guess that was unmanly... [ male announcer ] man up. choose a light beer with more taste. grab a miller lite vortex bottle. taste greatness.
>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, academy award-winning actor, his new film which he directed, wrote and starred in is called larry larry -- "larry crowne." >> my name is miss tainot, t-a-i-n-o-t, not tie-not. each of you will address the class for the first time and tell us something that you already know how to do. >> ms. tie-not? tay-not? taebo? >> really? >> jon: please welcome back to the program tom hanks. [cheering and applause]
thank you, buddy. how you doing? >> thank you. >> soak it in. soak it in. >> thank you very much. thank you. >> jon: nice to see you. >> thank you very much. thank you very much. >> jon: you look very sharp, very dapper. >> thank you, thank you. jon jon this movie, this movie, tell me about... you look very good. >> are you ever cutting to camera three? if you're not, [bleeped] the tie. i don't care. >> jon: give him three, chuck. look, look, look. oh, no, that's not working. can i tell you something, though? i like it, though. it has a certain... there's a debonair quality to it. you don't look disheveled. no matter what i do, i look disheveled. you look very sharp. >> tommy cleans up good. >> jon: tommy does clean up good. tell me about this "larry crowne." it seems like a "stella gets her groove back" for middle-aged
white guys. [laughter] chew on that. chew on that. >> i'm going to. >> jon: enjoy that one. >> it started off going for that target audience, as a matter of fact. i find the middle-aged white guys are not represented enough in today's american media. [laughter] >> jon: they are victims in many respects. >> they are indeed underlings. >> jon: they are underlings. tell me about this julia roberts. she seems to have a few... >> she's a nut. she's an absolute cook. she's a dream boat, she smells, mmm, fantastic. i just did a marty short, there mmm. >> jon: who is the best smelling, in your experience. >> yes. >> jon: and i think this is very important, the best-smelling actor. >> best-smelling actor or actress? >> i got it. i got it. i am going to say kevin bacon. [laughter] because on "apollo 13" we were
really jammed in, jammed in. >> jon: is there a savory quality to that? is there a baconnesque, if you will, because that is... is that where you were going? >> no, no, i think he smells like a little mix of baby powder and listerine. >> jon: that's a lot of hygiene. >> that is a lot of hygiene. >> jon: do you get to choose, you've worked with julia roberts before. do you say to yourself, i'm going to be on location for... how long does it take to do a movie? >> this took about nine weeks, but we shot it in the family in los angeles, so not exactly a location. so everyone went home every night. >> jon: it almost doesn't even matter then. >> but still, there is an aspect of who do you want to see every day. you want to see people that make you laugh. maybe you meet them for the first time on the first day of shooting or maybe you've done other films with them. >> jon: you wrote this, you co-wrote this... >> co-wrote this with nia
vardalos. >> jon: you were the boss. you made the costumes. >> i did not make the costumes. >> jon: you cooked everyone feta cheese. >> there were some days i had the crock pot on the back of the camper. this is true. you start off in a long time ago and you just put that dream team together, and you examine the scene that is stuck inside. you'll hate it. >> jon: is tom hanks calls somebody, and i'm going to talk about you in the third person, do you ever feel the sting of a rejected phone call? if you call somebody up and go, i want you to do this and they're like, no? >> no, no, no. you start with a caveat right off the bat. the first thing you do... you can say, no you can say, no it will not hurt my feelings. it will hurt my feelings. will not, but if you don't like it, don't do it. it's just the way it works. >> jon: and you'll go with the direct phone call yourself?
>> no, the last thing... >> jon: is that the last line of defense. >> the worst thing is when they say, i don't think he's going to do it unless you give him a call. >> jon: it's all on you. >> that's like disaster. >> jon: that's how i ended up guest starring on "the nanny." >> here's the weird thing, it does totally work. >> jon: it really does. one day i'm in my office and i hear [as fran dresser] "hello." nanny fein? >> you're like, i'd love to do this but it bumps with this movie we're doing already. in what way? well, a guy puts on clothes and drives to a thing and this deal happens, so i wish i could. >> jon: i were i could but i can't. >> you escape with your life. >> jon: for you now, this is this the pinnacle, from now on it's tom hanks... you just
become not just "stella got her groove back" but the tyler perry of middle-aged white guys. tom hanks presents. >> i've done my time in the dress, so maybe i can actually... i don't know if the kids remember that back before high-def if you go back on the youtube you'll find me in the bosom buddy, which started it all. [cheering and applause] thank you. thank you. actually, i look at the actors during the movie, they are having such a good time, sitting over there laughing, not working, not figuring out the shots, not finding out what you can't, do not having to argue with someone on the phone at the end of the day. they're having fun and i used to be one of them. i'm never doing this again. [laughter] >> jon: you will never ever not be adorable. [cheering and applause]